Something like this porn obsession is overlooked if you’re good at your job. Christian Bale: verbally abusive, but a great actor. John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr.: adulterers, but we don’t consider them to have been bad men. Half of Nashville: coke heads, but the sweet, sweet music keeps playing. But if you overlook a billion dollar scam or let slide shady security ratings that lead to a housing crisis, sorry, no more porn for you.

One would think that this would have never been an issue if women were at the helm of the regulatory commission. Perhaps the SEC network bandwidth would be jammed by visits to Facebook and PerezHilton.com, but let’s face it: there are only so many status updates and a limit to how many anorexic starlets can drive drunkenly through Malibu each day. There is no limit to porn.

The memo ABC obtained claimed, "One senior attorney at SEC headquarters in Washington spent up to eight hours a day accessing Internet porn. When he filled all the space on his government computer with pornographic images, he downloaded more to CDs and DVDs that accumulated in boxes in his offices."

It went on to say, "An SEC accountant attempted to access porn websites 1,800 times in a two-week period and had 600 pornographic images on her computer hard drive."

I’m sorry. What? Her computer? How deeply seeded is the porn problem at the SEC? Was it the "thing to do"? If you had less than 500 gigabytes of hardcore on your (wanna touch my) hard drive, you were totally lame? You wouldn’t be invited to the Christmas orgy this year?

If anything can be gleaned from this SEC revelation, it is that the adage of women leaders mitigating warfare is complete bullshit. Sure, I’m basing this conclusion on one woman – but, hell, she attempted to hook up some "skankwire" 1,800 times in two weeks. That’s over 22 times per hour.

And these were just her attempts. Evidently, with women in charge, we’d have the exact number of wars we have now. They’d just be unsuccessful. So: not less warfare, just less death. I suppose that’s something.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s been over eight minutes since I’ve checked for updates on giantblackcocksinlittlewhitemouths.net.

That’s pretty awesome. But what really sealed my heart in a hockey bag was news that Levi Johnston was going to pose for Playgirl and that he was going to do it "tastefully." Johnston said on CBS' Early Show, "We don't want no bad boy image. I don't want to be looked at as someone who is getting naked for fame."

And he’s not getting naked for fame. He’s getting naked because he is a great father. "I don’t ever want to be a deadbeat dad," Levi said in Vanity Fair. "I love Tripp, and my goal is to take care of my family. I could go out and do movies, maybe one day even end up as a celebrity."

Otherwise, a celebrity’s name on a fragrance suggests that that he or she in an aficionado of scents (i.e. his sense of smell is better than yours, so thrust him). Other than Adrian Brody, I would trust no celebrity’s sense of smell over my own.

Within the odd world of celebrity scents, nothing is odder than the celebrity perfume commercial – it is naturally impossible to convey smell over a medium that carries only sight and sound.

So these commercials end up as invasive, glossy candid camera shots that catch celebrities doing mundane things that some psychologist somewhere told some ad man stimulate the olfactory area of the brain – or they end up as a play on the title of the scent, combined with a situation in which you should want to find yourself.

Enter a new oddity of oddities: the scent of the fictitious character. While Sarah Jessica Parker will undoubtedly be remembered for playing the ugly chick in "Sex and the City," rather than the ugly chick in "Footloose" or the ugly chick in "The Family Stone," she is not Carrie Bradshaw, her character from "Sex and the City." Nevertheless, SJP (as she’s known, I suppose) is releasing a scent that was inspired by "what I now understand to be people’s impressions of seeing Carrie Bradshaw walk down the street and what feelings that evokes for her and for them — a real sense of freedom and possibilities, a love for the city around her and, of course, fashion," says Parker.

It’s curious that not only did we run out of metaphors for perfumes – fresh spring rain, floral field – we ran out of actual people – Halle Berry and Isabella Rosselini sadly already have scents. Now we resort to fictional characters.

Soon Meredith Grey will release a scent right out of Seattle Grace Hospital that evokes the first memory one has after waking up from anesthesia – called "Open Heart" – and with the next Batman movie will come a scent from Bruce Wayne, called "Nocturnal," that combines the fruitiness of the fruit bat with the lust for blood of the vampire bat.

 

I’d buy both. And wear at once. If that doesn’t get you to like me, I give up.

"I remember being 17-years-old, up for my first MTV award with Destiny’s Child," said Beyoncé. "And it was one of the most exciting moments in my life. So, I’d like for Taylor to come out and have her moment."

The beginning of Beyoncé’s courtesy was obviously scripted, but…whatever. I cried a little when she said that, so screw you.

Anyway, we haven’t answered our question yet: what can be said about Kanye’s outburst that hasn’t already been said? Do we have more outrage? Do we have more compassion to convey for Taylor Swift? More nods to appreciate the savoir faire of Beyoncé (read: MTV producers)?

I don’t. What we can say about Kanye’s outburst is that it is just another example of what I’m going to call the Rod Blagojevich Effect – and effect that, perfectly enough, Rod Blagojevich defined himself in his book "The Governor."

Here is a surefire way to get famous, writes Blagojevich. "Find a way to get yourself falsely accused of trying to sell a Senate seat the new president just held…And everyone will talk about you."

Blagojevich’s interruption of Obama’s transition to the White House became more "talked about" than Obama’s transition to the White House.

Similarly, our most talked about moments in the past week are not moments at all. They are moments, interrupted: from Rep. Joe Wilson interrupting President Obama’s speech on health care before a joint session of congress… to Serena Williams interruption of her US Open tennis match against Kim Clijsters so that she could berate a lines judge… to Kanye’s outburst at the MTV VMAs.

When it comes down to it, Kayne was right: Beyoncé did have a better video than Taylor Swift – which is why Beyoncé won Video of the Year. But, when it comes down to it, President Barack Obama was right as well: Kanye West is a jackass. So is Serena Williams. So is South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson.

And, for good measure, what the hell… so are Heidi and Spencer.

Merriman, through an attorney, ended up saying he was just trying to get a ride of the extremely intoxicated, extremely small woman. But Tila Tequila didn't see it that way so she "made a citizen's arrest," Sheriff's Lt. Gary Steadman tells People Magazine. Merriman was charged with battery and false imprisonment.

Both Merriman’s and Tila’s accounts of the incident are obvious lies. If Tila Tequila comes back to your house, the video camera and tripod should already be set up so that when she asks you to pull her hair and choke her during sex, you hear her say, "Pull my hair and choke me during sex." Or something like that.

On the other hand, if you’re under five feet tall, you don’t go to the home of an NFL linebacker who has a history of steroid use.

Here’s what really happened: Lots of coke on the part of Tila and Merriman.  (Although witnesses at the bar say Tila was intoxicated with alcohol, we believe she wasn't drinking and that she is "allergic" as she claims.  Not just because she is a tiny Asian woman.  Ok.  Yeah.  Because she is a tiny Asian woman.) They go back to his place and start hooking up. At one point, the coke, which was laced with a small about of PCP causes Merriman to wonder why his Pokémon doll is talking. Understandably freaked out, he throws it in the corner with his other stuffed animals. Said Pokémon doll screams and calls 9-1-1 to make a citizens arrest. Simple mistaken identity. Case closed.

That said, Merriman should still be in jail.