While most late night television programming urinates carelessly near the electrical fence of ethics and good taste, late night programming on Fox News blatantly, sardonically shits directly in the ears of viewers before whipping its ass on their cotton blend sheets. The worst of all these shows is called "Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld." It’s described on Wikipedia as "Comedy/Satire/News parody" – problem is, it isn’t funny, satirical and calling it news parody is like calling the Ku Klux Klan civil rights parody.

Mercifully, "Red Eye" airs at 3am, which serves minimal viewers. However, the show still manages to reach an astounding 350,000 people each time it sullies the stratosphere en route to satellites – there are even those who Tivo the show, an egregious act that should be punished, in the words of Ignatius J. Reilly, with sever lashings.

Last night, beneath a haze of alcohol and various greasy substances that pain me today (well into the afternoon) I caught a good 10 minutes of the show as I flipped back and forth with a Rachel Maddow rerun. I remember nothing, not a word, of what was said on either show. Besides my alcohol-slicked retention, there is a reason for this.

A few years ago, the problem was that no one gave the news Murrow-style anymore; everyone editorialized, spun each story around and around, proved that every occurrence was simultaneously good, bad and irrelevant. Today that’s still prevalent, but we seem to have run into a new problem.

No one simply editorializes anymore. To get the news across today you must be outraged, indignant, beside yourself with disbelief at how abjectly stupid every single other person is, particularly those whose opinions run contrary to yours. Gutfeld, Maddow, Olbermann, Beck, O’Reilly. The only one not yelling at the rain is Larry King and that’s because a) he doesn’t know it’s raining and b) he’d bust a ventricle if his voice rose above mild bemusement.

I’m quite aware that most of the aforementioned shows are "entertainment" (those are heavy quotes), but they are not comedy and they are not scripted drama. Each show is certainly sanctioned in the personality of the host and that host’s ability to deliver news. Therefore, they might consider delivering the news in a way that allows an audience to actually comprehend their point, their words without overwhelming the point with indignation.

All I can think of while I stare at Greg Gutfeld is the increasingly deeper ravine between his squinty little eyes. I figure if he would lighten up a little, take a breath between paragraphs, the crease would clear up and I’d be able to understand why he thinks it’s humorous to use Sen. Robert Byrd for a joke the day he died.

As it stands, I have no idea what happened in the world yesterday because I was busy drinking and late night programming on Fox News is like the back page ads in a pornographic magazine – numbers for hookers, bargain blow jobs, grow your penis drugs – there is no way either leads to anything good.