Feeling blue? Life got you down? No way out? Is death the only adventure you have left? Need a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Well, you’re in luck!

Suicide used to be such a hassle. There’s the waiting period for the necessary semi-automatic firearm, if you want to shoot yourself; the trouble of tying the noose correctly with the perfect length of rope if you want to swing; the messy blood all over your roommate’s duvet, if you’re a cutter; talking the doctor into a prescription, if you’d like to go quietly; and how many times have you put your head in the oven, only to realize it’s electrical?

Those days are gone! We no longer need to kill ourselves like our grandparents did! Today things are made simple thanks to Zealotism! With Zealotism you can off yourself indirectly and in only three simple steps!

Step one: Choose an important religious figure.

Step two: Create a satirical work of art based on that figure.

Step three: Just sit back and wait for the zealots to come to you.

It’s easier than insulting a gumba’s mother. You don’t even have to leave the privacy and comfort of your living room.

The Death by Zealotism method has been around for eons, but it wasn’t perfected until the late 1980’s when Salman Rushdie published a little book called "The Satanic Verses," his fourth novel which took a satirical look at the life and inspiration of the prophet Muhammad. Within a year, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the Supreme Leader of Iran called for the death of Rushdie and of his publishers.

The Death by Zealotism method was furthered when in 2005 the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten published cartoons depicting Muhammad in various satirical situations. The most famous of these was created by Kurt Westergaard, who was promptly threatened with death.

The method hit a new high just this month when Colleen LaRose, a Pennsylvania woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" was accused of conspiring with terrorists to kill Swedish cartoonist Lars Vilks. Vilks used the Death by Zealotism method when he sketched the Prophet Muhammad's head onto a dog's body in 2007. The brilliance of Vilks’ work is that it is one of the worst sketches ever published, yet the ostensible insult still translated perfectly.

LaRose allegedly wrote in a September 2009 email that it would be "an honor & great pleasure to die or kill" and "only death will stop me here that I am so close to the target!" This was despite the fact that Jihad Jane wasn’t even Muslim. She wanted to murder a terrible sketch artist on absolutely no basis at all. According to the Los Angeles Times, she’s never even pledged her faith at a mosque. She was simply a drunk hillbilly that liked to fight. That is a true testament to how effective the Death by Zealotism method is.