It's one of those things you think and don't say. But, deep down, we'd all honestly like to see Oprah Winfrey and Martha Stewart fight. I mean really fight.

 

Uh, I'll Choke You, Bitch.

Raise your hand if you remember the Bizarro World Seinfeld episode. (Now, raise your hand if you remember a time my head didn't hurt.) As luck conspicuous like a three-ton chocolate heads up penny in the middle of Madison Square park would have it, The O.C. has latched on to another popular 90's television show to emulate and parody. Our dear friend Marissa has unexpectedly fallen pray to a public school where the students are exactly like those that she abandoned at Harbor High, only poorer…and more annoying.

Yes, I KNOW The O.C. isn't on this week. But it might as well be. I've spent so much time at work the past fortnight, I feel either that I've died and gone to investment banking heaven or that I've actually traveled back in time to find myself face to face with a pivital moment in the lives of Ryan Atwood and Marissa Cooper (incidentally, I just saw her late Step-father on Lost last night--he's British now) and now...I must find Theresa and ask her, finally, for all of us who were disappointed with the series finale of The OC and think Chuck is the wet dream of a teenager who'd rather fantasize about reading porn than read porn, Is that really Ryan's baby? It is, isn't it!

(The preceding paragraph was written in 2008.)

ANYWAY, the point is that I just sat at a computer screen for 12 hours and then came home. And sat in front of a computer screen. Idiot.

The point to THAT is that I get to write about whatever I want, even if the OC isn't on. I don't know why it takes so long for us to make a talk show. Hey, Kim! Are you pussies over in Chicago putting in the kind of hours needed to make “quality” daytime talk?

In fact, while we're on the subject, why not be ON the subject: It is understood that Oprah beats Martha in ratings like Paris beats Nicole in a Spelling Bee (ok, bad example), but who would win in a hand-to-hand, woman-vs.-woman, death match in the Octagon? Martha has the reach and the height, but the O has the youth. Oprah grew up in rural Mississippi , Martha in suburban New Jersey . Oprah used to have the weight, but Martha used to have the ankle bracelet. Oprah gave away “free” cars and got busted for making people pay the sales tax; Martha gave away “superfluous” stock and got busted for adding $20 grand to her $1.6 billion. Okay, maybe we are getting a little off-topic, but the answer is clear: watching Martha and Oprah fight is no where near as necessary as dragging in an inflated pool of vodka soaked watermelon jell-o and letting Summer and that new bitch that is hooking up with the principal dude duke it out.

What is going on with that new “Dean of Discipline” anyway? I turn on the Monday Tivo Lineup and suddenly he is trying to kick Seth out of school. For a good fifteen days, I was grappling with the incongruity of the Dean's age and position. He can't be older than 21, yet has successfully finished college and 4 years of graduate school.

This means one of three things: A) He is Doogie Howser's evil twin who earned his Ph. D. just as early, but went on to use his powers for evil Southern California private high school domination as we'd all love to do...someday; B) he is Matt Damon's character in The Talented Mr. Ripley and this whole character arc is some sorta ingenious cross-pollination of film and television and with Scooby-Doo-esque finale we will remove the mask from the Dean's visage to find out that Matt Damon has been guest-starring on The O.C. for the past 12 episodes and you all missed it; or C) he is a better actor than Chris Kline -- I don't know what that means, but I wanted to take the opportunity to point out that, based on her selection in men, I wouldn't let Katie Holmes choose the color of my shoe laces. Although, I do strongly believe she should have a reality show in which she sets-up couples on dates.

While I'm on it, and while I'm comparing The O.C. to other dead shows, what is with the sudden spurious vocabulary vomiting from Taylor Townsend's head? Ergo. Quagmire. It's as if Dawson 's Creek is flowing like…well…like a creek again.

The theory is this: Dean, acting 30, really 20. Taylor , acting 17, really 27.

I mean, who cast this season? Nancy Drew's retarded English Bulldog?

This week on THE O.C.
- Houston Astros and Atlanta Braves