You know, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. Lindsay Lohan is finally naked. I mean purposefully naked, not incidentally while stretching a leg out of a Mercedes or stretching a boob out of a dress.
How important is this? There are two stories in the news today: The first, Fidel Castro steps down after a weighty, impressive almost 50 years as Cuba's president; he lived through assassination attempts, coup attempts, revolts, terrible economy brought on by terrible policy, and at least four women who gave him at least eight children. The other story is Lindsay Lohan naked.
Are the presidential primaries over?
As those who know me will tell you, I've always been partial to LL. I've also always had a thing for freckles (I think I've had a thing -- I could just be making that up right now), so that may have something to do with it. Either way, here we are.
I find LL fascinating. Not in a way that draws me to invite her to dinner and sit for hours discussing family and philosophy and whether California Gambling Articles 94, 95, 96 and 97 should have passed (we can go to the slots now, LL!) and the implications of global warming on our beloved surfing season – not that I wouldn't want to discuss these things with her, it's just that I don't know if she's…equipped. No, I'm drawn to Lindsay because she has unstoppable momentum.
The first time I saw Lindsay Lohan was at the after-party for her film Georgia Rule . There were two floors to this after-party. Let's call Floor 1 the Cool Floor and Floor 2 the Shitty Floor. My ticket got me on the Shitty Floor. However, the Shitty Floor was also the floor with access to a veranda – this meant smoking.
You couldn't miss Lindsay because you couldn't miss the eight people following her saying nothing to one another . Perhaps the most bizarre thing about interaction with celebrities I've witnessed is how people will clam up in a celebrity's presence. I've yet to ascertain why. The hypothesis that stands presently is: people think the celebrity will approach them. Problem is we don't live in fucking Notting Hill.
OK, Eric and Erin do. But the rest of us don't.
One of the people following Lindsay was a gentleman called Gary, one of her publicists. My fascination and affinity for Lindsay is only superseded by my fascination with Gary . But this is neither the time nor the place.
I wanted Lindsay to get naked right there. I don't know why. There's something about her. It's happened with a few other girls, women, but mostly I'd imagine myself in the other woman's arms or kissing her or having her…well, time and place, again…But Lindsay screamed NAKED to me.
The following day, when I saw her for the second time, I have do admit that it was a completely different feeling. In the new environment, Lindsay was more reticent, more at the will of Gary and her other publicists. She didn't scream naked anymore, but I could still sense the Lindsay from last night, just under the surface, waiting for the right opportunity.
I'm happy that opportunity came. New York Magazine did an elegant job with their replication of Marilyn Monroe's final photo shoot (let's hope it's not Lindsay's, as well). Thank you, Bert Stern. Thank you editors.
Now I have one final issue to clear up. Why did Lindsay's story come mere moments before Castro sent a letter to the Cuban newspaper, Granma ? It's too much of a coincidence for me, and I refuse to let it go as such.
Could this actually be less coincidental than we imagine? Could Lindsay be one of Castro's mistresses? Or could she be next in line for the presidency of Cuba? Could she be Castro's grandniece and all this press is an ingenious segue into the next 50 years of beautiful, red-haired, Caribbean totalitarianism?
You might scoff, but before you shake your head and turn the page, I want you to consider something. I want to you imagine what Fidel Castro looks like. Ok, now put a photo of Michael Lohan next to that in your mind. Should be pretty easy with a photo of either of them on the side of this essay.
Yes, fine, I photoshopped that beard onto Fidel.
But, man, trade with Cuba is going to be sweet under President LL! I can smell the cigars and rum and coffee and strippers already!