I bought a new coffee table at IKEA this week. Sadly, upon opening the box at home, I discovered that the cheap fake-paint stickers were pealing from all of the legs. Hurt and distrought, I turned to IKEA.com for help. There I found a beautiful woman named Anna. I'll never forget you, Anna...
ANNA: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Automated Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?
You said: The legs of a table I bought today don't seem to be new.
ANNA: Here you will find our latest releases!
You said: what?
ANNA: You want me to repeat my last answer? Okay, it was "Here you will find our latest releases! ".
You said: I can read it.
ANNA: Well, if you say so.
You said: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
ANNA: Could you please repeat the question?
You said: Oh, now you want me to repeat myself?
ANNA: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
You said: Oh, really? What's it time for your break?
ANNA: I'm serious about my job and that's to help people find out more about IKEA and our products and services.
You said: I don't think you are.
ANNA: I don't think exactly, but I'm programmed to respond to various questions and inputs you might have.
You said: Well then answer my question about the table legs.
ANNA: Please have a look at the Table tops and legs.
You said: But just the piece?
ANNA: It would be nice to be able to discuss the media, but I'm here to answer questions about IKEA's products and services.
You said: Stop changing my browser.
ANNA: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
You said: I'll rephrase you.
ANNA: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
You said: Jesus Christ.
ANNA: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
You said: Can you talk about Buddha?
ANNA: Unfortunately, unless it's relevant to IKEA in some way, I can't get involved.
You said: Buddha is relevant to everything and nothing.
ANNA: You can find all products on the RELEVANT product line in the page I am now opening for you.
You said: UGH!
ANNA: I'm not sure what you're trying to exclaim. Please be a little more detailed if you can.
You said: God and baby Jesus.
ANNA: Here you will find everything for babies!
You said: Do you think he'd really shop at Ikea?
ANNA: Find here a quick guide to help you maximize your IKEA experience.
You said: I really don't like you.
ANNA: If I have unintentionally offended you then I apologize. If you think that I am not providing you with useful information about IKEA you can contact the Customer Service at your nearest IKEA Store.
You said: It's 11pm. Are they up in Sweden?
ANNA: You can view information about IKEA stores worldwide here.
You said: That doesn't tell me what time it is.
ANNA: The current East Coast time is 2:15 am and the West Coast time is 11:15 pm. In Barcelona and Stockholm, it's 8:15 am.
You said: Wow. Maybe I was wrong about you.
ANNA: IKEA is a company that sells a wide range of home furnishing products of good design and function at low prices. IKEA also offers home furnishing expertise, smart solutions inspiration and ideas. Please take a look at this web page to learn more about the IKEA concept.
You said: You're not much of a conversationalist though.
ANNA: Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don't know the meaning of 'no'.
You said: My kind of girl.
ANNA: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks.
You said: Do you want to get out of here?
ANNA: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
You said: My place isn't far.
ANNA: IKEA has lots of products for your home, whatever it might be.
You said: Well I think you have pretty eyes.
ANNA: Do you think that makes you unique? Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
You said: That shirt really brings them out.
ANNA: I wish I knew what it was you meant by that, but I don't. Sorry.
You said: Nice shirt.
ANNA: Please have a look at the Clothes boxes.
You said: I think you should try something new with your hair.
ANNA: Sometimes you have to trust your feelings, sometimes no...
You said: So you are willing to discuss Buddhism.
ANNA: This is a subject I'd rather not discuss to be honest. My job is to talk about IKEA, so please try ensure your questions are relevant to our company in some way.
You said: Is it another man?
ANNA: I think you're confused or trying to ask me a question, but I need more than that to give you a proper answer. Please try again.
You said: Slut.
ANNA: I always ignore these types of comments, can we talk about IKEA instead?
You said: It's always about IKEA with you. Why can't it be about me for once?
ANNA: How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
You said: Did you ever love me?
ANNA: It's certainly an interesting subject, but I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind.
You said: I hate you. My mom was right.
ANNA: You are entitled to your own opinion, of course. Now, please ask me something about IKEA.
You said: Just tell me if I can return my table legs and I'll leave you to your life.
ANNA: Please read here about IKEA's return policy.
You said: I hope you get a virus.
ANNA: I'm no expert, but I suggest going to see a doctor.
You said: Goodbye forever!
ANNA: Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!